eclipse: the critics were wrong. or right, depending on who you ask.

"Hey guys, let's have an overemoting contest. I'm going to say 'I'm gonna fight for you until your heart stops beating' and you're going to be all, that won't be too long because I'm going to be a vampire and have vampire babies and... what is Cedric Diggory doing here?"

Let’s be honest. I can’t remember much of this terrible thing, because I was force fed unnecessarily expensive margaritas beforehand, and of course I welcomed them. If you don’t know about the disdain I have for my liver, then you better find out. In the future, when I try to remember my experience watching this film in a nearly empty theater, I will remember cackling the entire time, the old ladies in front of me cooing about how delicious all of the underage children in the film were, and my boss cursing out a woman who asked us to be quiet— not sparkly skin and and uncomfortable lines like “She’d be even warmer if I took my clothes off.” I’m pretty sure that’s what he said. But maybe it was the booze talking.

The thing is, I kept hearing about how all these “critics” were raving about this Eclipse jam, and I was right to be doubtful. Of course Eclipse seems good when the first two movies were shitting, awful wastes of time. Honestly, if I want to see people stare longingly at each other for ten minutes, I can go to the mall and watch awkward teenagers interact. Or better, look in a mirror. Despite the reviews that this movie was better than the other two, it was still weighed down with angst, over-emoting, and a general sense emanating from the actors that it doesn’t matter how terrible they do— they are still young millionaires at the end of the day.

And now, because I’m still at a loss for words on how amazingly horrendous this film was (I will never run out of synonyms for terrible: horrendous, god awful, shitacular, hideous, full of tomfoolery, etc.), I present you with a top five, just like from the old days:

  1. Everyone’s weaves and wigs were crooked, off centered, poorly made, and a mess. Many of you know how I feel about Beyonce, but she could teach the Eclipse crew a thing or two about maintaining your imported Indian lady’s hair.
  2. Bryce Dallas Howard (the new “Victoria”) was. Really. Bad. As in, worse than Cedric Diggory, Kristen Stewart, or Taylor Lautner. Not even combined. Individually. She was worse than all of them. I breathed a sigh of relief when Cedric ripped her head off and it resulted in a sound similar to ice cracking. Right.
  3. The film starts with Bella and Cedric Diggory making out in a field. Pornography is more romantic and easier to watch.
  4. Bella tries to bone Cedric Diggory and he is having none of it. I felt uncomfortable watching teenagers try to have sex. Also “trying to have sex” consisted of making out on a bed, Cedric Diggory unbuttoning the top of his shirt and saying something about “taking your pants off” before making a speech about doing things right and proposing. Mormon mind control!
  5. There were a billion vampire flashbacks and I was therefore confused and thought I was watching True Blood; Anna Kendrick (who plays one of Bella’s kind of friends, even though Bella is totally over that bitch because she’s all about Cedric’s ice cold junk and his sparkly sparkle cheeks) was nominated for an Oscar! Poor thing having to appear in this movie as a valedictorian for five seconds. Also, there is so much more— and I’d probably remember it all if I hadn’t had four margaritas. Also, I had to wake my friend up at least once during the movie.

So, if you have nothing better to do, don’t go see this movie. Unless you’re going to convert to Mormonism because this series is obviously a ploy to convince you to do that.

Image from foto1996’s Photobucket.

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